I'm committed

 

The red duffle is packed, a color copy of my Brazil visa in hand

my husband embraces me three times, promising that I will have a wonderful time

I admit to tearing up inside wondering if this is what I want to be doing

and I walk away, into the gaping terminal, asking directions to the Delta counter

because it has moved, so much construction, chaos, and then navigating 

so many small problems that usually Stephen attends to, no TSA Pre on my ticket,

long lines, and then I read a poem about facing uncertainty, recognizing 

the restless at home (yes, while loving it), knowing it normal to be fearful 

but seeing that I am at that door to new discovery and it's important to walk

through that gaping terminal door, and face all the things I am afraid of.

I will gain courage in this, as I write this waiting at JFK for the 9.5 hour 

flight to São Paulo and I hear the others speaking Portuguese and I know 

that this is the right thing to do.

Here I go.  

Reality of No Dog sets in - the unlicked bowl

we asked ourselves if the new dishwasher will really be able to handle this

new reality, our new reality, the one where there is no dog running to lick the

bowls as soon as they hear the clink of the spoon against the bowl.

we wonder if we can handle this new reality where there is no warm 

fuzzy body cuddling up next to us as we watch the second episode in

yet another series that could educate us, instead of entertain, there is no 

warm breath on our pant leg, no more dog hair on my sweater, no sweet

greeting when I open the door after being away.  

the dishwasher is unprepared for this, as are we, our tears barely

drying before they fall again to the ground. 

 

From one suitcase to another

I did wear the flowered dress at the High School Reunion,   

the raincoat, the pants, the shorts, the extra underwear never unpacked

the socks, the flute wrapped in the waterproof bag all still resting in 

the suitcase, the one given to me by someone who had no right, now what is

ready to jump into the gaping red duffle, its mouth spread open like

a whale ready to voyage across the sea, as that is what I will be doing.

but what shall I bring on this voyage of unknowns, the days pass

and my uncertainty must come to an end.

I am leaving, in two days, I am leaving. 

The 50th

Nancy and Paul, and Carly and Steve;

Andy and me, at the 50th, 50 years since we have seen each

others' faces, dear Nancy who hurtled south instead of north

only to arrive at Ogilvie Transportation Center so warm and lovely

I still see her youth in her smiling face, and Paul, the boy so many girls

swooned over now working the crowd like a seasoned politician

who never was, but could be

big Andy towering over me, the biggest bear hug

a conversation about important things that no one talks about

but needs to anyway, and dear Carlyn who leads us 

fearlessly into places where we have nor tickets nor experience,

we follow her with trust and confidence, and how could I forget

Steve, the inimitable Steve, opposite of his brother, the one who

held my hand way back, Steve, who makes me laugh in this

dive into old memories not always welcome from 50 years ago.

A grand time at the 50th perhaps, our faces will fade into the

mists of memory and there will be no reprinting.  

 

one can find new friends anywhere anytime

 

he invited me to sit next to him

he said that the empty seat on the CTA train was waiting for me to arrive

so we talked of such things, of Mount Trashmore where I recalled the 

rope tow that burned my small hands, the cold and snow on the hill made

of trash, the man sitting behind us was also amazed that such a 

thing had existed, finally shut down due to liability concerns

we can't have fun anymore - is that it

and we looked for the Forest Preserve, and on the bus,

yes, he took me to where I needed to get the bus to Kenmore 

and there, crammed into the crowded seats, we talked about James Webb

we talked of such things, crazy things, like the coefficient of thermal expansion

of the struts, and when his hand grasped mine in farewell, I did not

know if we would see each other again, but there is no doubt that

one can find new friends anywhere and anytime, on a bus,

on a train, in a car, on a plane, anywhere.  

The submission that wasn't

Yes, I worked on that one poem, ABCs, so many revisions, 

visits with the poetry coach, obsession, suffering

so much that, in the end, I killed it, the spirit gone in 

the rereading, I couldn't stand the poem anymore

I threw it in the waste bin of the mind and selected 

the other one, the one written on the 6th floor of the hotel

the one that wrote itself with pen and paper, delivered

itself to the clerk and I walked out on it, left it to 

drift, unmolested, untouched, no revisions, no edits

I submitted it to the contest, the one and only one that 

I had committed to, the last one, my poems are not meant

to be caged with the editor, we need to be free. 

 

Good-bye and farewell to the best dog ever, Bella

 

So many tears, sobbing, I'll admit, for her, for

Bella, our Bella  who was no ordinary dog, she's the 

One who captured the heart of a little girl named Mira, the

One who said that Bella was the only dog she ever loved,

Bella was that dog, the one who loved every visitor,

who loved to go to camp when parents were away, she was the

One that called up the word Sweet on everyone's tongue,

Sweet Bella, who rolled delightedly in grass, her long thin

legs batting the air with abandon, the dog who pounced like

a fox at the edge of the trail, retrieving unsuspecting mice.

and eating them in front of myriad hikers passing by.

She woke us in the morning with the clicking of her nails

on these old wooden floors that have seen it all these last 140 years.  

Oh, Bella!  I miss you more than I could ever have known

Yes, the one who wasn't the dog lover in the family, but who loved

you more deeply than I could have realized until it was 

time to let you go, to release you from suffering.

Bella, I will hold you in my heart forever.