Congratulations! You have found a man with whom you want to share your life, have a family, travel, make a home together. That is a lovely thing! You will be a beautiful bride on the arm of your handsome husband, will go on an amazing honeymoon - only after that will married life begin! ; ) Married life/family life, in my opinion, is the most difficult, but most enriching experience for any human being.
Having failed twice, successful on the third try, having learned alot, I wanted to offer as my bridal shower gift some reflections based on my own experiences, both as a wife, as well as a professional woman in American culture.
1. Never stop working
Work is money; Money is power; Power is equality in relationship.
In the throes of love, babies, expense of childcare, too many women drop out of the workforce, only to find that they have been left behind professionally, have become less interesting to the world and their husbands (and themselves!!). They find themselves doing more and more of the tedious work typical of women in our society.
(notes from the road: last weekend, I spent time with a 57 year old girlfriend, dominated by her husband, constantly catering to his needs/demands, who reflected ruefully on her leaving the workforce to take care of kids. Something she never had considered then, but realizes the consequences of this decision...)
2. Keep seeing your girlfriends.
Alone. Not with husband at your side, nor with the other husbands of your friends. Women can do for each other what a man cannot do, nor would want to, in many cases. And don't just get together to "talk" over wine - go do something active, build something, invent something.
(notes from the road: Too few women do cool stuff in the community.)
3. Do things alone - activities that have no overlap with your husband, things that you can do at home, or away. where you can bury yourself in your own thoughts, able to forget that you even have a husband.
(notes from the road: noise cancelling headphones are awesome. pick a new hobby even if you don't have time. I love playing music with other people, even though we aren't that good. Pick something your husband has no interest in).
4. Keep your family of origin and your in-laws at a healthy distance.
The process of a forming a new family unit, you and your husband, takes time. Your new family is your primary unit - no longer your mom, dad, siblings, nor in-laws.
(notes from the road: I have seen this so many times, both genders, where the spouse is sidelined by the needs/demands of the parents. Heck, I only talk to Karen every couple of weeks...maybe a little extreme, but we are both busy and her family is now Chris.)
6. Get couples counseling during all the years of your marriage.
Marriage is hard. Things get swept under the rug and resentments build. It gets annoying that he never puts the cap on the toothpaste (or whatever). Use regular counseling sessions to keep on top of problems, yes, but also to grow together and deepen your understanding of yourself and each other. Don't wait until it's too late to save the marriage.
(notes from the road: I know you are already doing this. Bravo! I would not still be married to Stephen is we did not do this...going on 12 years now!)
5. love is not enough.
It's not. It's a good start, though.
(notes from the road: I loved husband #1 and husband #2, even though I divorced them.)
7. Now that you're married, live life as if you aren't.
It's been well documented that after marriage, men and women tend to fall into traditional gender roles - even if they disagree with those roles, or even if they lived together unmarried as equal partners for years before getting married. We swim in a sea of gender stereotypes. And that's not good for men or women.
(notes from the road: I experienced this myself, being married to a dominant male (husband #2). What he loved in me, my independence and broad interests, were gradually crushed by the relationship. Less so with a laid-back one, but still something I have to constantly monitor.)
8. Keep your own money separate from joint spending
Money is one of the top stress points in a marriage. Another good reason to keep working to make your own money....
(notes from the road: I have spent hundreds/thousands of dollars on people/items that had alot of meaning for me without Stephen even knowing. It's a great freedom. Stephen drops $6000 on a new bike? That's cool. (caveat: you have to be saving for your joint goals, such as house, etc...)
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