Time to learn some chemistry

one can never start too early and 

Owen is otherwise a captive audience.

after all, the book is at his level and

his papa can explain anything that 

needs clarification.  

that's what papa's are for.

i imagine that his first toys will be

from a structural chemistry set that

Owen can use to understand bond 

angles and structures, starting with small

molecules like water and working up to 

tetradecylhyroxysilane, then on to 

DNA strands.

He has good ones, that's all I know. 9/30/2021

Day 7: Head to feet

Meredith, the mother of mother,

 is feeling more positive about the little One,

our beloved Owen, 

her daughter holding him in her hands

head to feet.

If she feels more positive, I feel it, too.

and when the pulmonologist says he

doesn't need to stop by, the Owen will 

have his ups and downs, but will get to that

time when the tube is gone, the IV disconnected,

that it's just a matter of time.

this may not be poetry, but it is love

and it is patience. 

We are floating

we are floating in calm waters,

waiting, silent, the shore is far away

and there is no wind to bring us in

to solid ground.

there is water everywhere, places where

it is cloudy and we struggle to replace

it with clear, clean water, gradually

turning to air, clean, clear air that fills

the lungs and energizes the body.

the little body of Owen, the little one

that we love and want to bring home.  9/28/2021

In mama's arms

finally,

he rests in her arms,

feels her heat against his small body...

she feels his heat against her body...

they are one in this moment

regardless of breathing tubes, IVs,

electrodes on his tiny chest,

there is only mother and child

together..

the way it should be

Hold tight, little Owen

Hold on tight, Little Owen,

your papa is there in your tiny fist.

he is holding you so tight in his heart.

your maman, too, she may be busy

pumping milk for you, to make you strong,

to hurry you home in their arms

to your crib, your infant clothes which will

already to be too small

You are strong, little Owen,

we hold you in our hearts and wait

for you to be in our arms.  9/26/2021

Day 3: This is where I go

This is where I go, where I will go

every day to connect with this mysterious,

unknowable, infinite universe in which is concealed

powers beyond belief, 

of which I know nothing

but in this moment, I will reach out to

this unknown and ask for healing and strength

for little Owen and all those who love him.

I do not know if this is God, nor do I care

I only know that we do not know what

is this powerful and unknowable expanse

resonating in time and space

and I will connect with it in this space

maybe that is called prayer.

Owen in NICU

life can turn so fast - 

our fear towards death, our hearts in our throats - 

praying to a God that we are not even sure exists, 

just to do - something.

our little Owen, machines breathing for you,

feeding you, measuring you, yet your face is

peaceful and with good color.

we will now begin this road towards weaning

you from the machines which are helping you

breathe and be nourished,

which will carry you along this road

towards recovery, I pray for the moment,

which will come,

when you will feel the sun and wind on your cheeks,

when you will be home with all those who love you. - 9/24/2021

Welcome to the world, Owen

welcome to the world, Owen,

you rushed out so quickly that you left us

breathless.

now you rest with your little oxygen tube

under many blankets, a little IV delivering 

nutrients and we wait ..

we wait for your lungs to clear out and

for your eyes to open, for you to regain 

energy after such an abrupt and hurried

departure from your mother's body.

we wait, impatiently, with heavy hearts,

but also with optimism and love,

we will wait, little One, until the moment

when we can hand you from one loving 

embrace to another. - 9/23/2021

Mentoring

She actually didn't understand it at all,

the difference between desorption and 

diffusion, or the concept of residence time.

Regardless of extended discourse on 

molecular dynamics and the complexities

of interfacial chemistry on surfaces,

she didn't get this, in spite of the 

confidence and bravado, in spite of many

explanations, I'm not sure she even got it

then, what is this task called mentoring

it is mothering, the long task of teaching,

a labor of love, or something like that.

Bread, finally

finally, the mornings are cool.

I smell yeast, rising bread as I descend the stairs

and the kitchen is warm, in spite of the cool

breeze blowing in from the back yard.

thank god for fall.

he slides the Dutch oven in and sets the timer

(which he never seems to hear).

when I come downstairs later scrounging 

for a snack, I come across this fine dense loaf.

finally, fall.  finally, fresh bread again.

Quasi-retirement works for me

there is no one here

but us.

a trail winds across the hillside

we weave through dense clumps of chokecherry

and currants,

then into the open, grasses swish against our legs

then back into deep shade of Colorado forest

and there is quiet

an occasional runner, a dog or two,

otherwise

no one here but us

on this Monday, quiet Monday,

liberated from work

I enjoy the quiet.

Rocky Mountain HIgh

Rocky (trails, my poles slide off, jam between rocks, a nice trail for the sure-footed, a bit of a nightmare for the less nimble)

Mountain (we climb up and up, the distant mountains coming into view, one range after another, no trees up here, a moth clinging to a tiny aster in the wind, what else does it eat?)

High (I have not been so high in a long time, years gone since the Himalayas, since a young marriage, weekend backpacks after work)

I will not come back to this trail, having nearly fallen so many times, a sketchy balance, 

a bit too difficult for me, or maybe, just not so much fun.

No need to do what one does not want to do.

Packing for a hike

hiking poles and 

apples, peanut butter and bars,

gloves for weary hands

some ibuprofen for the morning

a prophylactic medication for unhappy

knees.

I even checked the parking pass to make 

sure it was for the right day, the ladies at 

the entrance suffer no incompetent fools 

like I was last time, begging entrance for a 

pass a week off.

Onward to Mt. Audubon.

A Senegalese in a Spanish factory

This Senegalese man took a plane to Spain

to look at stuff,

stuff to sell in Senegal

a country that makes nothing, 

but sews the most beautiful clothing in the world

adorning beautiful, tall women, strong, 

a county with beautiful beaches; at dusk,

a soccer ball being passed from man to man so adeptly

so quickly

I lose track of it 

the mournful call to prayer, the pause

to consider something besides the almight dollar

this man in Spain seeks something Senegal does not

and should

but he leaves much behind.

the stories we write

the stories we write

the pictures we draw

three pigs flying high over the sun

a mother and baby behind a fence

perhaps?

maybe they have wings or are they

conversation bubbles, or maybe a 

bonnet of some sort

these three pigs will build houses

and a wolf will try to eat them,

one will die,

the wolf will fall down the chimney into

a pot of boiling water

a small child wrote and illustrated

this story, a conglomeration of stories

she heard with her own stories

where pigs fly over suns and one

can build a strong house,

strong enough to withstand the attack of 

a hungry wolf

let that lesson stand

we are all beautiful

imagine

thinking ugly

so ugly, one asks to be cut

imagine

young girls being cut

not because they asked

imagine

we are all beautiful

since we all

are.

Mira takes on the world

watch out world,

polo shirt, sun hat and smile.

a look of determination and confidence

she may be small yet, but let there be no

mistake

Mira will rule the world

soon,

sooner than you think.

if not the world, at least her mother,

can't wait.

Bee house

perched between the cast iron frying pan

and the rusted bar I found in the basement

I secured my homemade bee house

native bee house

not for those invasive honey bees

who monopolize my flowers

flying in from their hives miles away.

I want a house for my native bees, the ones

who live here in my yard or my neighbors.

i have built three houses for my bees

I wait for them to show up.

remove the stink

It seemed that 

I washed at least one hundred of his

stinky boy T-shirts, because

everytime he hung them on the line to dry 

after washing, they smelled bad,

I sniffed critically and with disdain

what is it with men and their stink,

HE doesn't stink so what's with his T-shirts

while he's away, I do

a load with vinegar, following by 

washing in washing soda/baking soda,/salt/castille soap

jenny's mix.

Dried in Colorado sun.

Better?

I'm not even sure...

they still kind of stink

I put them in his drawers

sighing with resignation.

I'll hold my nose.

water and air

water and air

I thought I needed to put the roots in dirt

water and air

is all it needs, she assured me

water and air

is easy, it's everywhere, if I remember

to add some

in the kitchen there is water and 

air is everywhere. 

it has grown, this gift, it is beautiful

and easy

we need water and air

and we, too, can be beautiful

if we choose to

be

How could you not see this

he said/she said

I believe her, that the corrugated tube

and the window slats were sitting right 

next to the air conditioner, waiting

patiently for her brother to pick them up,

to deliver them to their mother

(who so generously loaned such appliance 

in the heat of summer, of smoke and ozone)

the ac arrived, without the required hardware

to vent to the hot and smoky outside but 

he said he knew nothing about it, and

she said everything was right together,

obviously together.

I went back to the rental house and thankfully,

the corrugated tube and its accompanying window slat

were left out for me to pick up

at my convenience

it was actually not convenient, but that's ok

I believe her, not him.