Owen

 

Owen,

so beautiful and precious,

a gift to us, to remind us each day of the power of love,

that life is fragile; we must treasure each day, 

and each other.

We have lost you, and grieve deeply.  We will always carry you in our hearts. 

Let us be in this world in a way that honors you,

our beloved.

And life continues...gingerbread houses

the living keep living, 

the holidays are coming and gingerbread 

houses need decorating and assembly,

with glue that doesn't hold, and roofs slide 

off.

For a moment everything holds together

and everyone is smiling. 12/20/2021

..@withlovefromowen. Gingerbread House gift to Sarah Smith and her family.

The vast

what is hidden in the vast

expanse of the sea, underneath the sand

we cannot see, our human eyes so limited,

the range of senses so small.

the heart knows what the eyes cannot see,

the nose cannot smell, the ears cannot hear,

the rhythm of life and death, the swell of the sea,

the roar of the waves, the water in our bodies

is linked to the Moon and the tides

of this, we see and hear nothing.

but we know that there is love, always there

in the surf. the sun, the clouds.

Owen is surrounded in love.  12/2/2021

Milkweed

The seeds on the ground, the stones of memory,

the dried shell of the milkweed

having dispersed its seeds into the wind,

the wind that carries Owen, brushing 

against my cheek, he tells me that this shrine

 is no longer needed, that he is within all of us,

no longer contained within the dried seeds

and leaves.

leave this here, grandma, for your memories,

but not for mine as I am here in the wind and

the trees, underneath the ponds reflection,

between the rhizomes of the soils. 

I am eternal. 12/1/2021

Grief lies heavy

no matter how many embraces,

grief lies heavy on my shoulders,

it's a lonely load, no one can carry 

it for me, in the end, it's as if I am suffocating

under a black blanket, struggling to breathe

while watching my own child under his

own blanket of grief, and the mother

under yet more blankets of grief. 

we gaze at each other, make small talk at lunch,

but we know that we are barely breathing,

the shadow of Owen's loss is long.  11/22/2021

the second day

a ritual of love and healing, of grief,

of being with, of holding, of passing through,

Owen, my beloved grandson, is no longer with us,

but as I saw the beauty and humanity in Owen's eyes,

I see the natural beauty in the berries clinging

tenaciously to bare branches, the lightest snow 

sparkling on the branches.

today I added a bough of elderberries and a

large leaf tented over the offerings.  

After I sang Owen's song and listened to Owen's 

playlist, I covered the shrine with dried leaves

and strolled the campus, descended the long

bridge to the floodplain that we call home.  11/17/2021

grief

there is no deeper sorrow than to lose a child.

each day an apprenticeship in grief, each day

searching for meaning, for solace, seeking

beauty, seeking ritual ...

as I go to Owen's Pond today, finding a 

tiny crevice under a majestic tree, the tree
I have sat underneath for so many weeks,

praying.

I start a small collection of beauty, of the earth,

of soil, of decay and renewal, the endurance

of the rock, the beauty of the snowberry, its

white purity, a fallen leaf, the end of

summer and time for rest and decay.

I will find Owen here as he has returned to

the universe; in the quiet here, I will pause

and listen to the birds, look for the ducks 

and the turtles, watch the squirrels, 

just as I had described to Owen.

He will always love the stories and the 

love we shared.

I will always love him.  11/16/2021

In grandma's arms

I sang to you, "Owen, ever morning, and every single night,

I think of you, I pray for you." and then..

I told you about Owen's Pond and we talked about

all the animals, one by one

we looked deep into each other's eyes, and I continued..

and the duck came and we sang the same song,

and then the duck came up on the land to see me

and then...

and then the two turtles were on the log and we sang

to you, for you, thinking of you, praying for you,

and then...

the squirrel chatted at me, and we sang our song for you

and then...

the crow flew in from overhead and we sang our song for you

and then...

the big orange koi appeared in the pond and we sang our song for you

and then..

I see your eyelids start to flutter as you fell into a slumber

of trust and love, and I just drunk you in, you beautiful baby

you delicious little darling, I love you so much.  11/15/2021

Up on the heli-pad at Children's Hospital

Before I go, 

let me see the sun set over the mountains,

let me gaze into my mother's face,

the face I have come to know so well, 

the one that smiles at me with tears in her eyes,

knowing that everyone is here for me, 

wheeling meters and IV lines, feeding lines

and blankets, all for me,

I know that I am loved, deeply loved.

Before I go, let me also see my father standing

behind me, knowing he loves me, 

he is a part of me, just as I will always

be a part of him.  11/14/2021

Complaining about the spa service

his parents are such hams,

saying that Owen, in his giraffe bathrobe, has some

complaints about the spa service at the Hospital.

they laugh with him and smile to have these

last moments with him;

I have tears running down my face,

and watching terrible Disney movies just

to escape the pain of losing him, 

of giving him back to the universe.

I admire his parents beyond imagine, that they

might hold their son these last three days and laugh,

in knowing how many hours of karaoke they shared,

and books read, songs sung, how many hours

they sat with him, laid him on their bare skin

and listened to him scream when he got his

diaper changes. 

all my love to all three.

that's the message I sent every day. 11/13/2021

There is only love

there is only love -

a baby in his mother's arms, the calming

hand of the father on his son's forehead.

the baby, swaddled in white, eyes open,

looking out into this world.

Let us hold this image in our hearts for all time,

the power and endurance of love.  

we can hope for miracles, but must accept

what may come, how we might be separated

in time, as all of us must say good-bye.

Not yet, though, it is not yet time to say

good-bye. 11/8/2021

a baby boy and his dad

one more arterial line has been removed.

one less obstacle to papa/son time, one less

obstacle to free movement.

Freedom by Jon Batiste is on Owen's Play List.

I listen every day.

a baby boy and his dad, the former wearing nothing

but a diaper

the latter dressed for outside, just in from the cold

fall weather, snow maybe falling, or sleet, 

his cold hands on his son's warm hands -

I wonder what Owen thinks of that.  11/2/2021

Happy Halloween, little Yoda

Happy Halloween, Little Yoda,

who does not look too happy dressed up in such silly atire...

rather undignified for the son of Daniel and Tori.

Too young to overrule his mother,

reluctant arms and legs threaded through 

appropriate openings - 

ok, this year, next year, we'll see. 10/31/2021

 

Let me rest

can't you see that I am sleeping, handsome in my new shirt...

and can't you tell that I don't want a new diaper right now...

and can't you give me a few days rest after the last insult,

pulling that horrible tube from my throat, and inserting

the cannula in my beautiful small nostrils.

Isn't is enough to be able to sit next to me and admire

my beautiful skin, my perfect lips, my large hands,

which will take on the world, 

when I am ready.

when I am ready.

I will decide. 10/28/2021

Joy

Joy is holding your son in your arms.

In that moment, the warmth of his skin

against yours, there is no greater joy. 10/23/2021

Back in Dad's arms

back in Dad's arms,

his skin against mine, I rest after

my surgery, how hard that was

but I am still here

in Dad's arms, warm in Dad's arms.

what road this has been, ejected so forcefully

into the world one month ago, sirens,

flashing lights, beeps and wires, 

tubes, oxygen

here I am in Dad's arms, my Dad.

My Dad.  10/22/2021

We had fun and laughed, even when we may have wanted to cry

It's hard to imagine laughing when your

baby, your son, is on life-support.

Humans are amazing, in the most dire circumstance,

one can find joy, if one looks hard enough,

if one allows that feeling in, in spite of it all.

his hand in hers, he's making a joke,

laughing at it even if it's not that funny.

one adapts, as one has to, 

even knowing that in one second or one

minute, the game may be over and finding

joy may be hard to find,

until you do. 10/20/21

I'm still here with my rattle

I'm shaking it now!  one, two, three!

I'm still here with my rattle,

my mom and my dad, the nurses and the doctors.

late at night, with my grandpa and my grandma.

I'm still here, world.

We're waiting, world, to see if I can

take my rattle home.

The waiting is the worst, we all

want me to go home, I want to

go home. 10/19/2021

Owen's hands

Owen's hands 

will grab life by the horns -

I know this to be true.

the dials will spin wildly as his lungs

take in oxygen; the doctors will be stunned.

Our Owen, the fighter, will take on the world.

I know this to be true. 

At three weeks, he already needs his fingernails

to be clipped, the rattle is tiny in his grip.

Our fighter, Owen, will heal this week,

his lungs will expand to take in the

world.

This much I know. 10/17/2021

Update: Tomorrow is the big day when Owen will go through some stress tests by reducing the ECMO heart-lung machine to see his reaction.  I pray for him to shock everyone with his strength. 

Hey macarena!

mama and baby at play,

hey macarena, hey macarena!

his hand gripping the rattle, her hand

guiding his to shake the rattle,

singing to the tune, the rhythm of

hey macarena! 

then letting his hand go, he keeps

his grip and tries to shake the rattle

but it's a little bit too hard.

tomorrow is another day,

next week is another week. 10/16/2021

Owen update:  Lots of play today with his papa.  Starting Monday, the medical team will try to reduce the support from the ECMO to see how things look as far as getting him off that.