looking old age in the eye after a new haircut

we decided that it's a malaiase, that beautiful word that sounds like it 

means.

my brother and me, at 70, he looks it, and I try to hide my own age so I don't have to 

directly face the mirror which asks me what I want to do with my life

now

that I'm no longer leading the team, my mind doesn't solve deep problems

in space the way that it used to, I'm feeling old, my bones creak and my

knees buckle.

Malaise, the sense that the day does not hold so many exciting new things that 

I can't WAIT to open my eyes and start the day! 

I was never built this way, 

childhood photos show a face full of serious worry, there was no joy there

and yet

everyone says that I will LOVE retirement and congratulations, but 

why, when I loved doing what I did so well.

Retirement means that it's time to step aside and do something new, but I'm 

not sure what new will match that sense of focus and excitement at learning

that particular new thing.

What particular new thing will wake me up in the morning, all eager to 

start a new day?