Opa shows up, in absentia

If he were here, he would  have been goofy,

if he could have kept himself from crying,

but he can't.

So wearing his Elmo hat and bringing his book,

I sub in for story time.

Opa loves You.

Opa, the goofy guy with the balding head,

the man who loves children and animals so much,

he cries readily at their suffering.

A good man.

But we can't be sobbing for our loss,

Let's celebrate Owen in our lives and dance 

and sing, tell stories and read books, let's make jokes

and do goofy imitations.

We have so little time, let's not waste it on tears.

10/7/2021

Happy Birthday, Owen!

It's time to celebrate!

All gather around for Owen's two week birthday,

come doctors and nurses, come mama and papa,

roll out the birthday cupcakes, and put on a hat!

Let's sing to Owen,

with all our hearts and lungs,

with spirit and love.

and for this special event, papa can hold

his son in his arms and look into his eyes,

feel the warmth of his small body against his

and feel thankful for these moments,

too short, but never forgotten. 10/6/2021

Let's dance until the day is done

Son,

Let's dance until the day is done, 

while we still can, 

let's laugh until the our bellies hurt

I'm with you, father with son, we're together...

I'll roll my shoulder and smile under the mask,

you'll suck on the tube, and furrow your brow.

Let's ignore the  machines and the whirrs and 

hums of machines, the steady dings of monitors...

It's just you and me, son, dancin' as long 

as the day, I'm smiling at you, son...

I know you are smiling at me.

Only when you are dozing in your small bed

will the tears and sobs wrack my body.  10/5/2021

Day 12: Its time to say good-bye

We are with you, Owen, in these last hours,

between sobbing and mute shock, we touch

your beautiful forehead and chubby tummy,

you suck hard on the ventilator tube, then your 

face relaxes, then your tiny eyebrows furrow.

I know you hear me singing, I know you

are listening intently to The Lorax, the book

your grandpa is reading, your parents are

there next to you, whispering sweet nothings,

I am here, our love for you fills the room,

you will never be forgotten

beloved Owen

our hearts weep.

Day 11: A hard day

a spinal tap, blood tests, a swab

another

and nothing shows up

the splits split and rejoin

we stumble along in an oscillating mix of hope

and fear, we are in a daze, there is only

so much we can take

I forget how to spell or my fingers

can't find the keys, there are no spaces

or too many, and words come out all wrong.

this is what happens when your heart

is in your mouth and you don't know

if you will swallow it whole or

drown .

A hike with Daniel

we walked through forest, through dry grassy meadow,

we talked and were silent.

he stopped, checking his phone for news, texting with Tori.

we were silent.

there is no getting away from the uncertainty, the dread,

the fear, the helplessness, we can only distract ourselves

and see the beauty of the fall day,

maybe a moment of spirited discussion about something else,

but there is no escaping that we are thinking of Owen 

with every breath, with every heartbeat, with every step

no matter where the foot lands.  10/2/2021

Thank you cards

I needed to write 16 thank you cards;

some doctors, some nurses, a Broncos fan

and one who has four dogs. another who studies

organic chemistry on the side, two who know Tori

from 5th grade and from college,  the big doctor

who directs it all.

we thank them all, deeply, with gratitude,

bottomless gratitude for all they do for 

our beloved Owen.

In gratitude, I control my trembling hand

so as to render my handwriting legible.

I want them to understand

each word of thanks. 10/1/2021